o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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