mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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