he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
