a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
