you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
