no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
