you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
