we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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