Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
