My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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