I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
