what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
