When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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