Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
