Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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