I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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