Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
