I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
