If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
