is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Did I show you my penis last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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