i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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