they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
