I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
