im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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