wakey wakey hands off snakey
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
