why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
