A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
