oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
