The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
