My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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