before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize