why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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