As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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