Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize