If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
