I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
