I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
