we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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