did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
