Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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