Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
