So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
