Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
