This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
