Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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