At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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