so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
