His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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