You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
