Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
