My liver just broke up with me...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
