six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
