he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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