I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize