went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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