i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
