no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
