my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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