i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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