You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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