my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
